How do i manage to put not one heart but two hearts into heart failure and im only 25

Well the good news is they found out why im getting shortness of breath but the bad news is it's not really the answer I wanted, I went to my GP she sent me to the hospital the hospital did there all there test as they do and the doctor said iv gone into mild heart failure so she put me on beta-blockers and furosemide, the doctor said it's caused by all the scar tussie from the past rejection.

I feel really bad because when I first had my heart transplant I felt so much better I was so stubborn I stopped taking my pills and decided I didn't need them and well that backfired on me I ended up in rejection, they pumped drugs in to me and I was better again before I knew it fast forward 4 and a half years later and now I'm having this  issue and I don't really have anyone else to blame but my self. I shouldn't really be putting this on here because I don't know who reads this and I guess I'd really dont want the world to know what an idiot I was when I first got my heart ,but I guess you can't change the past. When I first got my heart I was healthy like I'd never been before I had been sick all my life and all of a sudden I got this new life and all I wanted to do was everything and anything except what I was meant to be doing and I didn't care what the doctors had to say, it is different now of course I wouldn't dream of doing that now but it's too late to change the past.

O and I got a another tatoo a heartbeat and the number 214 because 214 is the number heart transplant in New Zealand .

Studies hard health not so good

We'll I'm about 2 month into my early childhood now and it's so full on don't get me wrong I'm liking it but just so many assessment at once and some times i like i dont know this shit, so far iv passed everythink god knows how and im just going to keep at it and fouce on the end result i feel like iv put to much effect into my studdy so far to quit now.

And as for my health its been pretty shity later i had a really had flu witch im over now but i have been getting shortness of breath witch is reallyy getting to me i mean i had this heart transplant i findally got this new life this health and dam its like someone took it away from me walking to my car im runnig out of breath even the other day i run out of breath making my bed when i hd my heart heart transplant of the first thing i was so happy about was i could make my bed aagain without running out of breath, so i went to my GP about it my BP and HR were normal she sent me for bloods and chest x-ray they were normal she pretty much said to me she doesent know what it is , so i emailed helen the transplant codernator. she emailed me back and said its proable just the flu i had but email her back if it doesent go away.  i dont think it is cos the flu i had i ddint have couching running nose ect it was just high temps and aching body but any way ill give it a go and see if its just that my GP rang me back to see if i still had shortness of breath i told her yes she said she was gonna ring back in a week and see if  its still there so ill give it a chance and see if it goes away but if it doesent someone bettter do somethink about it, feel a little like im getting brushed of but ill give them there weeek or so before i start complamming and go back

And as for my mental been pretty shit latly too but i donrt think i will go into that one, dont know  who really read this and its not somethink i wont the whole world to know about.

Pain killers and Life

Painkillers my weakness my whole if i had a issue the answer was always pop a pill its all iv know , i was sitting there trying to think back to were it all started with me and my painkillers addition began if you could even call it that , i take painkillers because i am in pain and iv felt real pain and i dont wont to feel like that again , but what kind of person take 3 to 4 tramadol in one go just for a slight pain, iv taken pain killers so long that one or two or three just doesn't feel like it does the job any more so i have to keep taking more and more just to do the job.

I started taking painkillers a few years before my transplant about 6 years ago now and i cant even remember what i first got given them for i first started of with codeine and got a taste for it on how well it worked and it could take my pain away then i was given tramadol another time for sum think else, on top of taking the pain away they would make me sleepy and i loved it. when i sleepy cos when i sleeped  i couldn't feel pain and two when i was a sleep i forgot about been sick i was never sick in my dreams i was a health young person doing everything and anything i wonted and that where it al began.

Then of course came my transplant and i was given a taste of even harder painkillers and don't get me wrong right though this whole time i was taking pain killers for genuine pain it was not to get all high or anything like that and as time went along i had to take more and more pain killers just for them to be able to work for them to take the pain away , and here i am today getting pain killers mainly tramadol on tap due to my back pain witch is real pain i take pain killers like there no tomorrow i do have a bad back that's the reason the doctor gives me pain killers but i use them for everything and anything and i don't think i could go without pain killers all together cos been in pain is not fun but were is the limit is a good question i should be asking my self .
As i wont to work with kids iv made the choice i need to cut down on the pain killers not stop them cos i do need them but be able to know when enough is enough 

As for life i finished and passed my pre degree course and have been on holiday and  i started my early childhood course next week bit nervous but im going to put my mind to it and do it if its the last thing i do, they say you can do anything if you put ur mind to it right ?

The first day of the rest of my life

My studys going really good only have a few weeks left of the course im doing now (pre degree course) witch i have pasted already as ou only need 50% of it to pass just have a few more things to hand in then im done, im so prond of my self for starting at it and not dropping out ok it was only 6 months but i dont care, and i had some really good marks on some of my stuff to for maths i got 81% on one test and 100% on another and for my two essay i got 87% on one and 76% on another all i wont was a past let another higher then that, never in my life have i had marks that high so im so happy.

Next tearm i start my Early Childhood withch i am worried about how i am going to handal it but at the same time its only one level higher then what im going now, so im just gonna get through it someone or another. I make have to put that xtra effect in then i normal person but i get there in the end so who who if im that much dumber then most people , that say you can do anythink to somethink if you put your mind to it right ? i so hope thats true.

Lucky !!

Just gonna do a rant i left a little rant on Facebook but then decided thats not the place for it so took it now , i get so many people telling me how lucky i am and get don't get my wrong i agree I'm alive and barry give me his heart how lucky is that, but you know i would have been even more luckier if i didn't need the heart transplant in the first place and i was born health, and that my life span i was given wasn't 15-20 years, to me that seems like ages better then the year or less to live i was given when i was sick, iv accept that theres a good chance i will die young and it doesn't bother me any more cos if i get to 40 that seems like ages to me but it saddens me that my mother or father might have to berry there own child , it would break there heart and that i wouldn't get to see my nephew grow up love that boy to bits or i wont get to enjoy many more xmas my my older sister all the small thing.
When me and dad went to the Anzac service today on the way back we were talking about him getting old and i said to him "at least i wont have to get old like you" was meant to be a bit of fun but i saw the way his heart nearly broke and he just said back "you better not go before me a father should be allowed to berry there own child "

I use to dream what i would have done if i was born healthy would i have done better in school then i did even that i found school ard maybe i would have ad that extra more energy that i never had before that it would have been more easer maybe giving it more time and effect with out been sick tried or in hospital all the time , just maybe i would have tried to make some think of my self before now

Im glad i decided to study

So im a few weeks into my course now and im really glad i made the choice to study i went over in my head a milloin times should i do it or shouldent I , dont get me wrong i know its going to be a chalange but im just gonna somehow do it .
Im really glad i decided to do this pre degree course aswell , it will make me that much more ready for studying when i go into my course of choice .
Im really worried about my maths cos i dont understand half of it and my maori as its bad enough reading ehglish dont even get me started on Maoir.
I am glad i didnt study till now though now that im old enough to understand what a wastie it would be if i just droped out and failed.
Im finding it quit full as i work in the weekends and course mon-fri and then when i get home from course i spend a few hours on home that i dont really get me time but im sure it will be worth it in the end
And because now i know my life is that much shorter then a normal person it gives me that much more reason to wont to pass and do somethink with my life .

4 Year check up and study!

Its 3;40 in the morning and im writting in my blog why you ask you I cant sleep and i always right better at night because there so many things running round my head .
So I had my 4 year check up last week my 4 years is not till 14 of april but had it ugly, I'm traccardia thats just a flash way of saying my heart rate is high but my heart rates always been high it was 110 when she took it and it userly sits round 100 but thats transplant pt for you high heart rate.

I was thinking today about how i always get asked about my short life span and doesent that upset me and of course i say no it doesent cos 15years ish is better then the year or less i had to live, call me selfish cos iv already been given a xtra 15ish years with this heart but year it sadest me it pisses me of i wont to live to im old i wont to see my sisters kids grown up and wont to have the chance to bring up my own kids without worry about dieing on them as children  or even worst giving them what i have .
im lucky to get those xtra years maybe if i had my transplant at 40 or even 30 then i wonld at least get to 50-60 but i didnt i got in my 20s so if i live the 20 years that's the longest person in nz has lived with one i will only get to 40 !! witch really sucks .
I know overseas it different you here of people lasting longer and why that is i dont know but whatever it is we must not different type of drugs here or sumthink and the chance of getting another heart is pretty unlikly.

I start my course next week first im doing a short course that teaches you how to study ect and if that goes well i plan on doing early childhood but im really nervor about the course im just not a bright person never have been but at the same time i dont wont to spend the rest of my life working in a shop my life is short i feel like i need to do somethink worth while with it , im still going to work at spotlight on weekends but i will miss tranding my working week in for study i love the people i work with believe it or not i even love the job and i wake up ever morning thinking yay i can go to work cos i not sick iv been given life and i look forward to going there its not a place I dont dread.

My funeral song

This is the song i wont at my funeral, its a real pretty song and related to me very well,lyric and so true sine i proable will die young .

 

 

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls

SO I did it !!

So i did it i made a choice that im going to study , im just going to give it a go whats the worst iv got to lose right , so iv sign up to a course that kind of teachers me how to study ect and if i can hack that im going to do early childhood and im going to hack it if its that last thing i do im just gonna somehow get through it .
Im nearly 25 and i have nothing to show for my self but working at spotlight dont get me wrong i love spotlight and the people but i dont wonna spend the rest of my life working in retail i wont to have somethink to show for my self, people always say its ok you were sick you have a good reason i sont wont my illness tto be my good reason i wont to be treated the same way as everyone else

You can do anythink if you believe in yourself !well i hope thats true

My sister got Married

I thought i better add a check post about my sister getting married she look be pretty and it was a great day lov you big sis, Heres my speech i did

Good Evening! I want to start by congratulating my big sister the bride and her prince charming  Danny, he wasn’t always what she dreamed her prince to be as a child my big sister was madly in love with superman clark keant and always told me that her and Superman where to be married ,she just had to kill off lewis lane first, even that having superman as I brother inlaw would have been pretty cool I can honestly say I can’t think of a better match for my big sister.

 Lilly has been a great sister to me and we have had a lot of fun together and she has been there
for me. right through my illness she always stick my side and for that I will be forever grateful to
her which had brought us closer together as sisters, You look so beautiful Lillian like a princess just like when we were younger and we would play dress up and you always got to be a princess and I had to be the ugly witch because younger sisters are not allowed be be princess’s so you told me.

 Lilly I am very pround of you and what a great Mum you have become and I know if Poppa
was here today with us he would be a very pround grandfather

Danny I know are the perfect guy for my sister I can see it in her eyes when she’s with you and I know you will treat her right for the rest of your life, and I wont to welcome you to the family and say I’m glad to call you my brother in law

 I want to wish my big sister and her prince Charming The very best “happy ever after “a girl could ever dream off love you big sis

 

 

To study or to not sudy !!

For ages now iv been thinking about studying ,but i have the other half of my head going no you cant cos one how will you live on the $180 a week you get from study link two what if you can't handal the study, what if you leave ur great job you have at the moment with great people and an amazing boss to study and it doesent work and and you fail or the studys to hard and you end up with nothing out of it and no job what a wastie of time it would be and what if i cant find another job again .

Then there the other side of me going what if iit does work out and you pass and you get a better job out of it and everythink turns out great and what if i never do it and i will never know intill i try it out and if i dont try it i will spend my whole like going i should have done that


damm i ddont know what to do !!!

How long is not long enough

I think about it every day that I might not wake up tomorrow I know my life is not going to be a long as everyone else's , and you sure look at things differently .
Every time I hear about another transplant pt that didn't make it I feel like will I be next, Iv gotten use to the idea that I'm not gonna be around as long as a normal person whatever normal is and it doesn't bother me really any more but it does sadden me there things I might miss out on seeing like seeing my nephew grown up and it breaks my heart to think there a chance that my mother and father may have to buried there own child .

Watching llife pass me by .

Well here i am typeing this when i should be trying to get same sleep since i have work tomorrow but i can never sleep anyway so why try, I have millons of things running round my head.
Before i had my transplant all i every wonted in life was a normal plan life, a min wage crap job i didnt care i just wonted to be able to work like the rest of the world to get out the house and do normal things like the rest of the world , now that i have everythink i ever wonted i have a job i can go out in the weekends and party till the sun comes up again cos i can and i have no mebical reason stopping me in any way, i feel like its not enought as stacie orrico sang " there got to be more to life then chasing down every temporary high" I spend so long fighting for life and i know my life is that much shorter then everyone else's that i feel like i shouldd be doing somethink amazing and great with mine .

Sure i would love to go out there and get some amazing job and make lots of money and then do that so called amazing thing with my life but im not a very smart person i cant spell for shit and i have like a reading age of like a 14 year old or some think like that , i thought of studding many time but it would just be so hard and i dont know if i  could handal been poor that long spend that much money for somethink that might not even work out cos i cant handal the study .

I feel like im so lucky to have this great gift iv ben given this new heart and what am i doing with it nothing i work in a shop part time watching life pass me by .

I crashed my car

I know this is not really transplant related but owell .
So me and Trish were driving up to Wellington for the weekend we were about 15 min out of Taihape and I started to feel tried I dozed of for a secon and started difting to the left Trish told me to turn the wheel bak quickly I did but turned it to much that I end up skipping across the road straight into the bank , it was one of the freakiest things ever , my car is a right off and I only had 3ed party .
I was so lucky there wasn't another car in the lane cos I would be dead even worst I could have killed someone .
Me and Trish where quit lucky we didn't have much damage just soft tissue damage witch is pain full but it will go and I got a huge seat belt burn in my chest witch is pretty painfull .
All I can say is thank god for pain killers .
I was in so much shock when I had the accident I can still see it now its replaying in my heart all the time it's quit freaky , I think that's put me of driving for a while .

My Bucket List

Things to do before i die

Travel
Write my book about my life -been sick having a transplant and been healthy
Go to the snow
Choose what i wont to do with my life and study it
Swim with dolphins

Jump out of a plane -maybe if im not to scared
Go to Barrys(my donors) grave
Send a message in a bottle
Sleep under the stars
Go up in a air hot ballon
Ride a horse
Go scuba diving
watch a storm from the beach thats out at sea
go in a cruise ship
Learn Maroi
Watch a sunrise/sunset
Knit a scart
Go whale watching
Make a difference
Build a snowman
Do a snow angle
Name a star
Go to disneyland
Sail
See a ice berg
Sleep in a castle
See great wall of china
See a turle
Sit through a Cort case