Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A journal entry from 1 year before my transplant

I found a journal entry from 1 year before my transplant its so weird reading it and looking at how much has changed and how much healthy and happy i am now
The weird part is its dated the 14 of April 2008 and i had my transplant 14 of April 2009

I'm sick of it all , I feel so tried and worn out, im just over all this heart stuff the mebs the tests and doctors the hospital and all the rest.
I'm sick of fighting iv been fighting this horrible illness my whole life, I could just leave it all behind and give up im all out of energy im out of strength, i wish i didn't have to fight it deal with it day after day.

I just wont to go to sleep and for it to all go away for it all to stop to wake up and for it to just been a bad dream, to live one day normal day to feel what its like not have to fight for life every day every minute ever hour, to feel what its like to live a normal life.

The worst part is i can complain be angry about all of it but theirs nothing i can do about it ,i have to live with this everyday the only thing i can do about this is give up but what use is that.
I didn't ask for none of it not one bit, why was i the one who ended up with this silly illness witch in the end is going to kill me ,theirs ways of making it a bit more far away but in the end theirs just nothing they can do,

My doctor might start heading down the heart transplant road, i don't know what to think im scared shit less

Monday, January 3, 2011

Sick of getting sick

Be for i got my transplant one of the things i so so looking forward to was been able to get a job and been able to hold down a job like "normal" people with out getting sick all the time it was going to be great , i now have a job and i love it but i hate thats im getting side effects from the drugs, op ect that are starting to effect my job.
I should remember that normal people get sick too, but what normal person gets sent on from work because yet again they feel like shit...

Even that im not sick like i use to be,I still have a lot of issues caused by my transplant
Drug keep me alive but they can make me feel like crap too
Nerve damage, which is so pain full ,
low immune system which means my body finds it hard to fight of bugs
and on top of all that iv been getting a sore back wish are so pain full wish i guess i cant realy blame my transplant for that but mum things its cos i was in the coma for so long and had to learn to walk again ect that why im having issues with it..

I hate that one one thing i wont to do is get a job and prove myself and its the one thing i cant do cos i keep getting sick...