Friday, June 26, 2015

heart rate needs controll

The last month or so iv been in hospital about 3 times or for the same reason my heart rate just sky rockets up its already in AF so they try control it with meds works for a little while then boom just jumps up and i'm sick of it, this new pill they tried me on works for a little while and it only works as a temp fix it cant control my heart rate for long times only for a little while till boom it fails again, and also think I might have been lost in the system when Hamilton transferred me back to Rotorua as my doctor has retried so I think I need to make a few phone calls and make sure I haven't, I need to see a doctor so they can change this dam pill

on another note im on my practicum at the moment and first week  went well, next week I come down with the flu, then week after that I end up with an infected leg really makes me wonder at time if working with children was the right choose to make. Ever time I go on practicum I get sick and I knew when I signed up that I do have a low immune system and that it something im always going to have to be carefully of for the rest of my life but at the same time I  don't want to live my life around my health I want my health to work around me, I want to do what I want do with my life because its what I want to do not because some doctor told me it was a bad idea.

the hospital made me arm swell up, long story ill tell it another time

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Over it !!!

I'm so over it, over all this got dam health stuff!!! If you one of these people who want to tell me how grateful I should be bla bla just leave now now cos of course I am grateful but I shouldn't have to explain to someone that I'm greatful if u know me well enough you know I am with my heart and soul but god dam it after all that I have been thought I am allowed I rant .

I am sick of getting short of breath,I want to be able to keep up with my friends and not having to turn down things because I know I want keep up and I don't want them to have to wait for me all the time, thing I want to do but I can't cos my long , breathing can't take it, I just want to be free from it. I'm sick of my chest been full of fluid , I want a clear cheats, I dream of the day I don't have a couch. I want to be able to walk up some god dam stairs without feeling like I'm gonna do pass out I'm sick of been dizzy, walking down the street and you have to quickly grad on to something so you want fall over and in the way that the world can't tell either , in the supermarket trying to hide the fact that your body is using all the stretch it has to just stay standing. You whole life because a Challenge. 

I want those first great years I had after transplant not this bullshit, I want to go out and live my life with not having there's issues in the way , so shortness of breath, dizziness , fluid in the chest are only small issues but they effect my life in do many ways that it's hard to even explain