Tuesday, December 17, 2013


So what new with me I'm on Xmas holidays at the moment and I'm official half way through my Diploma never in life life did I ever think I was capable of getting this far so far so good iv gotten all "B" so far but I don't care if it's not a "A" or anything I would have been happy with "c" didn't even think I was Capable of getting a "B" as sum one told me "c" get degrees I get the same Qualification as the next person whatever I get as long as it's a pass . So just been working at spotlight over the holidays and go back to tech end of Feb or round that time .

And as for my health who knows no one really tells me whats going on with my body anymore, they can hold back from me all they like I may not have a doctors degree but I have something better I know my own body better then any doctor and I know when something's not right iv lived with a bad heart all my life , I get swollen ankles on a pretty regular basic now and it's always the left one. they tell me that some transplant patients get Fluild on board witch is probable right but when I read my letter they say stuff like " does not have a normal heart function" and any time I try asking someone about it they flog me of to each other Rotorua tell me to ask Hamilton, Hamilton tell me to ask Auckland act so I'm due in Auckland in Feb so that will be good can get them to answer some of my question sine everyone else seems to chicken shit to tell me or maybe they just don't know who knows? . My GP said that my left Side of that heart is not pump as well anymore or sumthing like that but didn't really give me details . 

I wish at times I could just rewind my life back a bit, I spend so long of my life sick getting sicker and sicker then I finally got a new heart and I spend so long recovering from the who tranplant thing then I finally got everything that I ever dreamed of a normal life a health life it was a dream come true and I Fought so hard to get there , it's like life decided to take it all away from me again and bit by bit it's taking my health new life away from me . 

Before and after when I get swollen ankles

Monday, October 21, 2013

Sleep o how i miss you

My sleep has gotten so much worst latly some times ill be up to at least 5am before that it was like maybe 2:30 - 3 am , i use to blame it on my drug while i never sleeped witch proable doesent help but i was thinknig back the other day iv always had issuse sleeping not just after transplant but before aswell, i dont know if that was cos i was in heart failure and u can never lie down at night without feeling like ur getting drowned or what is was.

It doesent help that some times i will have to do a all nighter just to get my homework done and its bad enough that i dont sleep but when im making myself stay up all night my body starts to get use to staying up all night.

Well i was talknig to my social working today he said hes going to see if he can talknig to my doctor about getting me some sleeping pills, i bet it wont work but anythink worth a try so over not having enough sleep, i get angry at my doctors that there not willing to give me anythink to help me sleep but my biggest issuse i have with sleeping is all the mebs they give me, ok proable not the only issuse but i gotta believe its a big part of it.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Wish i could "Quit" the hospital

Not very happy with doctors,hospital the who medical world at the moment so long story short,
I was in Rotorua hospital a few back for shortness of breat, the doctor told me i was in heart failure so i was liek WTH worryed what my furture would be like ect they put me on beta blocker and furosemide
Went to hamilton doctor soon after for a check up he didnt have any of the paper work so didnt know if i was in heart failure or not but said he ddint think i was, was going to chase up ecgo and get back to me never did so i emailed hamilton but didnt answer any of my question so whatever just left it there .
Went to GP she said she ddint think i was in heart failure so i was like kool no need to worry
Got swallown ankles emailed hamilton, so now they thought i was in hear failure again so went throught the whole WTF moment again.
Then Auckland rang and said they dont think i am so was happy again cos i was like there the transplant team they must know what there talking about alot of pt get fluid on board sometimes they tell me.
So even that im pretty sure they are right , in the back of my mind im like well they havent seen me just talked to me on phone so i still dont really know 100% witch doctor is right and its fucking me off .

Wish they would make up ther bloody minds, and let me knows what going on sine im not dur to see them till April next year.
I so ready to be like fuck you hospital dont care anymore.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Heart failure you sux

so study still going good just about half way though the year not quite, really hard but im gettingt there i refuse to give up even if i fail ill just do it again, i havent failed anythink lucky.

So my ankles have been swelling bad latly sine now that im in heart failure i guess its just somethink i gonna have to expect now, my doctor up my pills so hopefully that will hel the swalling and is going to call monday and see how it is
iv tried asking more questinon about this whole heart failure thing will it get worse? will i go down hill like the way i did before transplant? is it just gonna lead me to the same place as before? needing a transplant again? but my doctors are very good at not answring my question he said next time im there he will asnwing them all for me i realy dont know whats wrong with emailing them to me but whatever if thats what he wonts to do fine, at the moment i know jack all about what heart failure is gonna mean for me in the future
I been find my doctor very frustrating they wont tell me anythink bloody annoying before transplant they use to sell me i never took my health seriously and did understnad the serious ness of it and now that im interested and wont to know more that what tell me very annoying. .

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Hospital visit

Well had my hospital vista to Hamilton the other day that was just a waste of time, they were ment to see me re the heart failure thing but Rotorua hospital hadent sent them any notes or anythink not even a discharge letter so wade ( my cardiologist) said he couldn't really do anythink without seen the notes ect and he wonted to see the echo Rotorua had done on me as we'll . 

So he just did his normal check up for now all his test ect as he does, and there gonna let me know if any mebs ect need changing , I asked if he could give me some sleeping pills that was a big fat no ,to think he asked me why I wasent sleeping hello it's the shit u give me to take every day , my GP wont give them to me either cos she thinks there addictive whatever I couldn't care less it's the worst she's worried about go hard I mean look at all the bull shit they make me take now anyway, all I wont is to be able to have a good night sleep so in not tried ect the next day .

Friday, September 20, 2013

How do i manage to put not one heart but two hearts into heart failure and im only 25

Well the good news is they found out why im getting shortness of breath but the bad news is it's not really the answer I wanted, I went to my GP she sent me to the hospital the hospital did there all there test as they do and the doctor said iv gone into mild heart failure so she put me on beta-blockers and furosemide, the doctor said it's caused by all the scar tussie from the past rejection.

I feel really bad because when I first had my heart transplant I felt so much better I was so stubborn I stopped taking my pills and decided I didn't need them and well that backfired on me I ended up in rejection, they pumped drugs in to me and I was better again before I knew it fast forward 4 and a half years later and now I'm having this  issue and I don't really have anyone else to blame but my self. I shouldn't really be putting this on here because I don't know who reads this and I guess I'd really dont want the world to know what an idiot I was when I first got my heart ,but I guess you can't change the past. When I first got my heart I was healthy like I'd never been before I had been sick all my life and all of a sudden I got this new life and all I wanted to do was everything and anything except what I was meant to be doing and I didn't care what the doctors had to say, it is different now of course I wouldn't dream of doing that now but it's too late to change the past.

O and I got a another tatoo a heartbeat and the number 214 because 214 is the number heart transplant in New Zealand .

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Studies hard health not so good

We'll I'm about 2 month into my early childhood now and it's so full on don't get me wrong I'm liking it but just so many assessment at once and some times i like i dont know this shit, so far iv passed everythink god knows how and im just going to keep at it and fouce on the end result i feel like iv put to much effect into my studdy so far to quit now.

And as for my health its been pretty shity later i had a really had flu witch im over now but i have been getting shortness of breath witch is reallyy getting to me i mean i had this heart transplant i findally got this new life this health and dam its like someone took it away from me walking to my car im runnig out of breath even the other day i run out of breath making my bed when i hd my heart heart transplant of the first thing i was so happy about was i could make my bed aagain without running out of breath, so i went to my GP about it my BP and HR were normal she sent me for bloods and chest x-ray they were normal she pretty much said to me she doesent know what it is , so i emailed helen the transplant codernator. she emailed me back and said its proable just the flu i had but email her back if it doesent go away.  i dont think it is cos the flu i had i ddint have couching running nose ect it was just high temps and aching body but any way ill give it a go and see if its just that my GP rang me back to see if i still had shortness of breath i told her yes she said she was gonna ring back in a week and see if  its still there so ill give it a chance and see if it goes away but if it doesent someone bettter do somethink about it, feel a little like im getting brushed of but ill give them there weeek or so before i start complamming and go back

And as for my mental been pretty shit latly too but i donrt think i will go into that one, dont know  who really read this and its not somethink i wont the whole world to know about.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Pain killers and Life

Painkillers my weakness my whole if i had a issue the answer was always pop a pill its all iv know , i was sitting there trying to think back to were it all started with me and my painkillers addition began if you could even call it that , i take painkillers because i am in pain and iv felt real pain and i dont wont to feel like that again , but what kind of person take 3 to 4 tramadol in one go just for a slight pain, iv taken pain killers so long that one or two or three just doesn't feel like it does the job any more so i have to keep taking more and more just to do the job.

I started taking painkillers a few years before my transplant about 6 years ago now and i cant even remember what i first got given them for i first started of with codeine and got a taste for it on how well it worked and it could take my pain away then i was given tramadol another time for sum think else, on top of taking the pain away they would make me sleepy and i loved it. when i sleepy cos when i sleeped  i couldn't feel pain and two when i was a sleep i forgot about been sick i was never sick in my dreams i was a health young person doing everything and anything i wonted and that where it al began.

Then of course came my transplant and i was given a taste of even harder painkillers and don't get me wrong right though this whole time i was taking pain killers for genuine pain it was not to get all high or anything like that and as time went along i had to take more and more pain killers just for them to be able to work for them to take the pain away , and here i am today getting pain killers mainly tramadol on tap due to my back pain witch is real pain i take pain killers like there no tomorrow i do have a bad back that's the reason the doctor gives me pain killers but i use them for everything and anything and i don't think i could go without pain killers all together cos been in pain is not fun but were is the limit is a good question i should be asking my self .
As i wont to work with kids iv made the choice i need to cut down on the pain killers not stop them cos i do need them but be able to know when enough is enough 

As for life i finished and passed my pre degree course and have been on holiday and  i started my early childhood course next week bit nervous but im going to put my mind to it and do it if its the last thing i do, they say you can do anything if you put ur mind to it right ?

Monday, June 17, 2013

The first day of the rest of my life

My studys going really good only have a few weeks left of the course im doing now (pre degree course) witch i have pasted already as ou only need 50% of it to pass just have a few more things to hand in then im done, im so prond of my self for starting at it and not dropping out ok it was only 6 months but i dont care, and i had some really good marks on some of my stuff to for maths i got 81% on one test and 100% on another and for my two essay i got 87% on one and 76% on another all i wont was a past let another higher then that, never in my life have i had marks that high so im so happy.

Next tearm i start my Early Childhood withch i am worried about how i am going to handal it but at the same time its only one level higher then what im going now, so im just gonna get through it someone or another. I make have to put that xtra effect in then i normal person but i get there in the end so who who if im that much dumber then most people , that say you can do anythink to somethink if you put your mind to it right ? i so hope thats true.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Lucky !!

Just gonna do a rant i left a little rant on Facebook but then decided thats not the place for it so took it now , i get so many people telling me how lucky i am and get don't get my wrong i agree I'm alive and barry give me his heart how lucky is that, but you know i would have been even more luckier if i didn't need the heart transplant in the first place and i was born health, and that my life span i was given wasn't 15-20 years, to me that seems like ages better then the year or less to live i was given when i was sick, iv accept that theres a good chance i will die young and it doesn't bother me any more cos if i get to 40 that seems like ages to me but it saddens me that my mother or father might have to berry there own child , it would break there heart and that i wouldn't get to see my nephew grow up love that boy to bits or i wont get to enjoy many more xmas my my older sister all the small thing.
When me and dad went to the Anzac service today on the way back we were talking about him getting old and i said to him "at least i wont have to get old like you" was meant to be a bit of fun but i saw the way his heart nearly broke and he just said back "you better not go before me a father should be allowed to berry there own child "

I use to dream what i would have done if i was born healthy would i have done better in school then i did even that i found school ard maybe i would have ad that extra more energy that i never had before that it would have been more easer maybe giving it more time and effect with out been sick tried or in hospital all the time , just maybe i would have tried to make some think of my self before now

Monday, March 25, 2013

Im glad i decided to study

So im a few weeks into my course now and im really glad i made the choice to study i went over in my head a milloin times should i do it or shouldent I , dont get me wrong i know its going to be a chalange but im just gonna somehow do it .
Im really glad i decided to do this pre degree course aswell , it will make me that much more ready for studying when i go into my course of choice .
Im really worried about my maths cos i dont understand half of it and my maori as its bad enough reading ehglish dont even get me started on Maoir.
I am glad i didnt study till now though now that im old enough to understand what a wastie it would be if i just droped out and failed.
Im finding it quit full as i work in the weekends and course mon-fri and then when i get home from course i spend a few hours on home that i dont really get me time but im sure it will be worth it in the end
And because now i know my life is that much shorter then a normal person it gives me that much more reason to wont to pass and do somethink with my life .

Saturday, March 9, 2013

4 Year check up and study!

Its 3;40 in the morning and im writting in my blog why you ask you I cant sleep and i always right better at night because there so many things running round my head .
So I had my 4 year check up last week my 4 years is not till 14 of april but had it ugly, I'm traccardia thats just a flash way of saying my heart rate is high but my heart rates always been high it was 110 when she took it and it userly sits round 100 but thats transplant pt for you high heart rate.

I was thinking today about how i always get asked about my short life span and doesent that upset me and of course i say no it doesent cos 15years ish is better then the year or less i had to live, call me selfish cos iv already been given a xtra 15ish years with this heart but year it sadest me it pisses me of i wont to live to im old i wont to see my sisters kids grown up and wont to have the chance to bring up my own kids without worry about dieing on them as children  or even worst giving them what i have .
im lucky to get those xtra years maybe if i had my transplant at 40 or even 30 then i wonld at least get to 50-60 but i didnt i got in my 20s so if i live the 20 years that's the longest person in nz has lived with one i will only get to 40 !! witch really sucks .
I know overseas it different you here of people lasting longer and why that is i dont know but whatever it is we must not different type of drugs here or sumthink and the chance of getting another heart is pretty unlikly.

I start my course next week first im doing a short course that teaches you how to study ect and if that goes well i plan on doing early childhood but im really nervor about the course im just not a bright person never have been but at the same time i dont wont to spend the rest of my life working in a shop my life is short i feel like i need to do somethink worth while with it , im still going to work at spotlight on weekends but i will miss tranding my working week in for study i love the people i work with believe it or not i even love the job and i wake up ever morning thinking yay i can go to work cos i not sick iv been given life and i look forward to going there its not a place I dont dread.

Monday, February 11, 2013

My funeral song

This is the song i wont at my funeral, its a real pretty song and related to me very well,lyric and so true sine i proable will die young .

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best, boys
And I'll wear my pearls

Sunday, February 3, 2013

SO I did it !!

So i did it i made a choice that im going to study , im just going to give it a go whats the worst iv got to lose right , so iv sign up to a course that kind of teachers me how to study ect and if i can hack that im going to do early childhood and im going to hack it if its that last thing i do im just gonna somehow get through it .
Im nearly 25 and i have nothing to show for my self but working at spotlight dont get me wrong i love spotlight and the people but i dont wonna spend the rest of my life working in retail i wont to have somethink to show for my self, people always say its ok you were sick you have a good reason i sont wont my illness tto be my good reason i wont to be treated the same way as everyone else

You can do anythink if you believe in yourself !well i hope thats true

Friday, January 25, 2013

My sister got Married

I thought i better add a check post about my sister getting married she look be pretty and it was a great day lov you big sis, Heres my speech i did

Good Evening! I want to start by congratulating my big sister the bride and her prince charming  Danny, he wasn’t always what she dreamed her prince to be as a child my big sister was madly in love with superman clark keant and always told me that her and Superman where to be married ,she just had to kill off lewis lane first, even that having superman as I brother inlaw would have been pretty cool I can honestly say I can’t think of a better match for my big sister.

 Lilly has been a great sister to me and we have had a lot of fun together and she has been there
for me. right through my illness she always stick my side and for that I will be forever grateful to
her which had brought us closer together as sisters, You look so beautiful Lillian like a princess just like when we were younger and we would play dress up and you always got to be a princess and I had to be the ugly witch because younger sisters are not allowed be be princess’s so you told me.

 Lilly I am very pround of you and what a great Mum you have become and I know if Poppa
was here today with us he would be a very pround grandfather

Danny I know are the perfect guy for my sister I can see it in her eyes when she’s with you and I know you will treat her right for the rest of your life, and I wont to welcome you to the family and say I’m glad to call you my brother in law

 I want to wish my big sister and her prince Charming The very best “happy ever after “a girl could ever dream off love you big sis


To study or to not sudy !!

For ages now iv been thinking about studying ,but i have the other half of my head going no you cant cos one how will you live on the $180 a week you get from study link two what if you can't handal the study, what if you leave ur great job you have at the moment with great people and an amazing boss to study and it doesent work and and you fail or the studys to hard and you end up with nothing out of it and no job what a wastie of time it would be and what if i cant find another job again .

Then there the other side of me going what if iit does work out and you pass and you get a better job out of it and everythink turns out great and what if i never do it and i will never know intill i try it out and if i dont try it i will spend my whole like going i should have done that

damm i ddont know what to do !!!