A journal entry from 1 year before my transplant

I found a journal entry from 1 year before my transplant its so weird reading it and looking at how much has changed and how much healthy and happy i am now
The weird part is its dated the 14 of April 2008 and i had my transplant 14 of April 2009

I'm sick of it all , I feel so tried and worn out, im just over all this heart stuff the mebs the tests and doctors the hospital and all the rest.
I'm sick of fighting iv been fighting this horrible illness my whole life, I could just leave it all behind and give up im all out of energy im out of strength, i wish i didn't have to fight it deal with it day after day.

I just wont to go to sleep and for it to all go away for it all to stop to wake up and for it to just been a bad dream, to live one day normal day to feel what its like not have to fight for life every day every minute ever hour, to feel what its like to live a normal life.

The worst part is i can complain be angry about all of it but theirs nothing i can do about it ,i have to live with this everyday the only thing i can do about this is give up but what use is that.
I didn't ask for none of it not one bit, why was i the one who ended up with this silly illness witch in the end is going to kill me ,theirs ways of making it a bit more far away but in the end theirs just nothing they can do,

My doctor might start heading down the heart transplant road, i don't know what to think im scared shit less

Sick of getting sick

Be for i got my transplant one of the things i so so looking forward to was been able to get a job and been able to hold down a job like "normal" people with out getting sick all the time it was going to be great , i now have a job and i love it but i hate thats im getting side effects from the drugs, op ect that are starting to effect my job.
I should remember that normal people get sick too, but what normal person gets sent on from work because yet again they feel like shit...

Even that im not sick like i use to be,I still have a lot of issues caused by my transplant
Nausea,Vomiting,headaches
Drug keep me alive but they can make me feel like crap too
Nerve damage, which is so pain full ,
low immune system which means my body finds it hard to fight of bugs
and on top of all that iv been getting a sore back wish are so pain full wish i guess i cant realy blame my transplant for that but mum things its cos i was in the coma for so long and had to learn to walk again ect that why im having issues with it..

I hate that one one thing i wont to do is get a job and prove myself and its the one thing i cant do cos i keep getting sick...

RIP Jess...

Jess died the other day i still cant believe it she was such an amazing little girl who had been through so much we had our heart transplants round the same time she was the one i was closer to out of all my transplant friends , she was only 16 but i never felt like i was talking to a 16 year old she had been through so much that it made her grown up so fast,





I will never forget this little girl and the good times we shared.

Losing Jess reminds me that having a transplant doesn't make me billet proof at all doesn't matter how well i look after my self there always that change that something can happen to me or that my heart will start rejecting my body, living with that is a scary thing .
This time last year Jono also passes on he had a lung transplant and he was only young too it just doesn't seem fair.
Having a transplant and spending a lot of time at heart towers you meet some amazing people who you get on with so well cos they have been through the same thing as you they spent there life fighting for life just like you but you also meet a lot of people that don't make it , it doesn't seem fair

Rest easy Jess and Jono you guys will never be forgotten...

2011 Here i Come

This year sure has been learning but great year , it took me awhile to get my life on track again. Going from sick to healthy from health to been in a realy world and learning all about it,
when i was sick there was no real world it was sick in bed, in hospital ,at doctors , going to Auckland or Hamilton hospital you are just stuck in such a different world, I never had to think of things like paying bills where my next incomes going to come from i was to sick to do any of that it was all done for me , it's all about doctors appointment's pills and staying alive into you get that call for a heart..

It was so different been in a real world, but i love it its exiting been challenged every day, i love that i can work that i can walk to town that i was walk to my letter box, that i can get out of bed everyday that i can breath there just so much i can do now its amazing and i just cant wait for next year that another year of living another year of working
im going to Auckland for new years , Aussie in April I LOVE BEEN HEALTHY
Lily's baby's due early next year and im alive to see it grow up thats only the beginning of what i will get to do next year there so much to look forward to im alive what beats that
My goals for next year to lose some weight i just got way to fat from my silly drugs but now they lowered it im hoping i can do so , eat healthy, and save up for a car

I'm just so lucky that i can enjoy my life i can work i can go out and have fun with friends i can go for walks i can live breath a free life...

I saw a guy on a oxygen bottle today in town i had a sad understanding for him and what its like too be sick, it reminded me at just how luck i am to be alive and do what i can do now..

1 year 6 months and 2 weeks ago i had my transplant..

Its been 1 year 6 months and 2 weeks sine my transplant, a lot has happen seen then
My sisters having a baby
I'm healthy
I have a job and i love that i can work
I'm going to Australia next year
If i hadn't had my transplant i would never get to see Lily's kid grow up and i would never have been able to go to Aus i could barely leave the house Aus would have been out of the question and i would have spend the rest of my short life sick so i would never get to work.

I am so thank full for every day i have
I can breath, I haven't blacked out sine my transplant and I'm not in hospital ever 2 weeks or so, i don't need to get my lungs drained every few weeks, im not vomiting all the time and i have energy i can get out of bed everyday and not feel like i have to fight for life

Iv learn t a lot this year and it sure has taken me a while to get use to this transplant thing I love been healthy i do and i would never take my transplant back but at the same time been transplant is not the easy road people think it is ,
Its not cure its a better quality of life

A year and a half a go I never dream i would be where i am now , healthy going out and doing all those things healthy normal people do, I love that i get to enjoy life just that little more because i know how lucky i am to be alive..

Things you remeber..

This is a Photo of all the people who came to visit me while i was in Hospital sadly i was still in a coma this day

When i woke up from my coma , i think i must have cried for a few weeks straight in my defense i had a lot of drugs in me i couldn't understand a lot of what was going on around me , i cried that my father was by my bed side and was sick in Rotorua i cried that my sister had came back from London for me and i cried at how amazing my friends and family where to me

When i was in my coma and on life support its amazing the things you remember its not those drunken moments with what you think are your life long friends, its not those people that have the most friends in life and its not those times that you where high on all those different drugs,
Its those moments like when i was it katies mums funeral and Jess and Louie both linked hands with me and we all passed on our sadness to each other , its those times i spent talking to Louie and Blaire about my hopes dreams and what i wont to do in my life , its those times that we all went to Raindowend and went on the Rolla coast till we felt sick and those moments when ep alway use to visit me while i was in hospital even that i was in there just about every two weeks and those times when mum and dad were by my hospital bed every moment of my life

A mark on this world..

A mark on the world
A difference
Some proof that i had been here
Something to say that i mattered
that when my body left this world my soul had made its imprint

Transplant sure is an amazing thing , but it doesn't come with out a catch so many good people who spent there whole life fighting just to be alive finally get what they always wonted a healthy free life and not all of them make it,and it sux...

RIP Jono and Eva and the many more
Who were sadly taken from us..

I got a job

So i findaly got myself a job , thank goodness !!
When i got my transplant the one thing that i looked forward to was getting a job the fact that i could get out there like everyone else get a job and not have no worry about when will i next get sick or when will i next end up in hospital ,
Having a transplant it was giving me that "card" to be normal, to do what the rest of the world does get out of bed everyday and go to work.and not have to fight for life everyday
I have been so sick for so long the one thing i longed for was a normail life.

I found it so hard to get a job so any people just heard the word transplant and freaked and i got question like are you sure your healthy enough to do this job , how much time of will u be taking are you going to be getting sick all the time people didnt seem ot be able to understand that im heathly now ,and if i didnt tell them i had a transplant i got the what have you been doing all your life now let me think good question i was busy been sick and all !!

so for someone to give me that change , its just amazing!!

Why me...

I have no ask that question some time or another why me !!
Why was i chossen to live the life of a sick person , why did i have to spent my whole life in and out of hospital and on many many different drugs.
Why was i sick in bed while all my friends where at sports days , why was my childhood stolen from me, why did a spend 21 years of my life sick .
Why will i forever be tried down to a hospital and the mebical world , my life time of sickness has scared me for life and because of it iv missed out on a lot and its taking me so much longer to catch up with everyone else...

I often think about my life if i had never been sick what would it be like , what would i be doing now maybe i would have more enegry to try at school and maybe i would have gone of to uni and have a great job and just be living my life normal like everyone else,
On the other hand if i wasent sick i would look at life just like everyone else just life , i wouldent see the amazing-ness it is that i see now , i wouldent get kicks out of life like a do now i would never know how great it is to be able to get out of bed everyday and not have to fight for life.

Rejection.. / Drugs sux !!!

So i was up at Auckland last week for a cheeck up and i got a bit of rejection , so they up my Prednisone and man iv become a bitch to everyone sine they up my drugs and i just cant help myself,
No wonder i hate taking all theres drugs
Sine they up my Prednione its only for 3 weeks just to get rid of the rejection im just a bitch , hurgy tried all the time cos the pills just keep me awake and my head is al over the show i have to deal with 3 weeks of this o hell no !!!
DRUGS SUX !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Painkiller

I cant sleep again!! because my ribs hurt to much, i feel like i havent had a good sleep in ages.
If things carry on the way they are im going to be poping pain killers for who knows how long.

I went to the doctor about my ribs hurting and she said its a side effect from the op because they cut my ribs open and she doesent know how long it will last , she gave me some better pain killers but this has been going on for like 3 months now its really annoying that there nothing they can do about it but give me painkiller.

They fixed my heart but stuffed my ribs and fuck its painfull at times.

Organ donation

Stole this from a friends face book page but thought it was real neat.

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying.
At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my death bed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.
Give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman.
Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless pain and suffering.
Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday, a speechless boy will shout at the All Blacks and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against a window pane.
Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all my prejudice against my fellow man.
If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.
If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

Drugs Clouding my mind

My mind is foreva clouded with drugs , for as long as i can remeber iv been on drugs 20+ a day if it isent the codeine making me xtra happy its the prednisone making me feel all over the show and if its not that it will be some other drug i take with sum silly side effect that makes me mind clouded

To think i never going to eva be able to stop taking drugs 4 as long as i live all i will die.
its weird to think my life lies in things with such horriable side effects, as they say the drugs keep you alive but they kill you at the same time.

But im alive so im so greatful for that , i went from been on life support and in a coma and my family told i wasent going to make it to been the healthiest i ever been in my life and that alone is amazing

*Meeting my Donors Parents*

I got to meet my donors parents it was such a great experience to meet them , i was really luck to meet they as its not somethink thats ment to be done both partys dont get told who either is but due to NZ been such a small place and so little transplant done here a year its not hard to work out who your donors is
I just spent abit of time on google searching and i soon come across a guy who died a day befor I got my transplant and his heart went to a 21 year old so i knew it was him as i was the only heart transplant done that day and the only 21 year old done that year .

It was really neat learning all about the persons heart i had and meeting this parents, i sure it must have been very hard for them, the person i never meet befor saved my life and for that i will forever greatfull hes done the most amazing thing for me.

Heres a clip they did on TV of me meeting my donors parents

http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/good-sort-gives-another-life-chance-3625630/video?ref=facebook