How long is not long enough

I think about it every day that I might not wake up tomorrow I know my life is not going to be a long as everyone else's , and you sure look at things differently .
Every time I hear about another transplant pt that didn't make it I feel like will I be next, Iv gotten use to the idea that I'm not gonna be around as long as a normal person whatever normal is and it doesn't bother me really any more but it does sadden me there things I might miss out on seeing like seeing my nephew grown up and it breaks my heart to think there a chance that my mother and father may have to buried there own child .

Watching llife pass me by .

Well here i am typeing this when i should be trying to get same sleep since i have work tomorrow but i can never sleep anyway so why try, I have millons of things running round my head.
Before i had my transplant all i every wonted in life was a normal plan life, a min wage crap job i didnt care i just wonted to be able to work like the rest of the world to get out the house and do normal things like the rest of the world , now that i have everythink i ever wonted i have a job i can go out in the weekends and party till the sun comes up again cos i can and i have no mebical reason stopping me in any way, i feel like its not enought as stacie orrico sang " there got to be more to life then chasing down every temporary high" I spend so long fighting for life and i know my life is that much shorter then everyone else's that i feel like i shouldd be doing somethink amazing and great with mine .

Sure i would love to go out there and get some amazing job and make lots of money and then do that so called amazing thing with my life but im not a very smart person i cant spell for shit and i have like a reading age of like a 14 year old or some think like that , i thought of studding many time but it would just be so hard and i dont know if i  could handal been poor that long spend that much money for somethink that might not even work out cos i cant handal the study .

I feel like im so lucky to have this great gift iv ben given this new heart and what am i doing with it nothing i work in a shop part time watching life pass me by .

I crashed my car

I know this is not really transplant related but owell .
So me and Trish were driving up to Wellington for the weekend we were about 15 min out of Taihape and I started to feel tried I dozed of for a secon and started difting to the left Trish told me to turn the wheel bak quickly I did but turned it to much that I end up skipping across the road straight into the bank , it was one of the freakiest things ever , my car is a right off and I only had 3ed party .
I was so lucky there wasn't another car in the lane cos I would be dead even worst I could have killed someone .
Me and Trish where quit lucky we didn't have much damage just soft tissue damage witch is pain full but it will go and I got a huge seat belt burn in my chest witch is pretty painfull .
All I can say is thank god for pain killers .
I was in so much shock when I had the accident I can still see it now its replaying in my heart all the time it's quit freaky , I think that's put me of driving for a while .

My Bucket List

Things to do before i die

Travel
Write my book about my life -been sick having a transplant and been healthy
Go to the snow
Choose what i wont to do with my life and study it
Swim with dolphins

Jump out of a plane -maybe if im not to scared
Go to Barrys(my donors) grave
Send a message in a bottle
Sleep under the stars
Go up in a air hot ballon
Ride a horse
Go scuba diving
watch a storm from the beach thats out at sea
go in a cruise ship
Learn Maroi
Watch a sunrise/sunset
Knit a scart
Go whale watching
Make a difference
Build a snowman
Do a snow angle
Name a star
Go to disneyland
Sail
See a ice berg
Sleep in a castle
See great wall of china
See a turle
Sit through a Cort case

Life is good !!

Life is so good at the moment i can hostnly say im alot happy now then i have been in a while , have a great group of friends i love my job and the people i work with and my health has been really good latly whatever in life can i ask for .

Check up Hamilton

So i had a check up today everythink went well,all looking good my BP was a bit high but hes just played with my mebs a bit for that,
I userly go to Auckland for my check ups but they have sent me back to Hamilton now i still have to go to Auckland but not a often, it was so weird been back in Hamilton havent been there sine my transplant its the hospital i went though most of my sickness with and you spent so much time there that the staff become an important part they are the people who have keep me alive been there for me when i was really sick ,it was so good seen my doctor again hes done so much for me and my cardic nurse shes just done so much for me shes been there for me right though the whole transplant stuff, i would say shes gone way past the call of duity for me, shes been the greatest support for me when i was sick and post transplant ect coming to terms with it all , i love that im health now but im not gonna lie it hasent been a easy path iv had my bumps along the way .
When i was there my doctor was talking to another doctor about a 15 year old boy , my doctor told me hes in CCU and is proable not going to make it , jsut makes me relise how luck i am , i was that sick once and now im not .
My doctor stand for everythink i hate about my life all my mebical bullshit but at the same time he's been such a big part of my life i hold him very high he saved my life and for that i will be forever greatful .

PS , im now lost 18kg thats been from like the beginning of the year though

living in a bubble

Everything iv been through and everything i still have to go through, i had to be old before my time i had to come to terms with life and death before i ever understood it i had my funeral planed at 16  , it sure did take a toll on my life so many things effect me in ways i wish that haven't and it took me a long time to come to terms with this new life style I'm "meant" to be living. life in a bubble makes you feel like bubble boy sometimes.
I spend my whole life been a soldier to the medical world not doing this and that and been watched like a gold fish,they give me my life back and im great full for that but whats the point of having a life if i don't get to choose how i live it .

The last few months all rolled into one .

So i haven't updated this for a  while so had my heart 3 year birthday in April , that was good pretty much just party the night away and won a $50 bar tab at heaven and hell so that just topped the night of.
so iv now  had my heart for 3 years pretty dum cool if you ask me

First after transplant i was like yay a can do normal things and live a normal life and i have a job what more in life can i ask for now that living a normal life has started being "normal" if there if such a thing and suddenly living a normal life and holding down a job is'ent so great any more, i keep thinking to my self is this it will i be working in a shop for the rest of my life, as the song says "theirs got to be more to life " , i really wont to study and do something more with my life but i don't at the same time , one: i don't know how people live on what you get as a student two:  im scared if i start and it doesn't work out and it gets to hard with my learning troubles ect that i might not be able to handal the study  three: im too scared to give up my job cos it was so hard to find that job and these days its just getting harder to fine jobs and put a heart transplant n top of that theirs not alot of hope .

So about a wek ago i got a tattoo in honor of my donor ill add a pic below ,Barry is my donors name and 14 April 2009 is the day i got my transplant and got a life and my donor lost his life .

 Me and Bobby on my heart birthday Red and heart themed

Coming on 3 years !!

I havent written in here for ages thought i better update it , so in April the 14 this year i would have my "new" heart for three years, its so amaing to think how much i have come in those 3 years i look at my life now and think what it was like 3 years ago , never in my wildest dream did i think it would be this great that i would be "healthy".
I have a job that i love it may only be a job at a shop but the fact that i get out of bed everyday and go to work to a place of where i enjoy is what counts as a good job to me .
I turned 24 last month thats another year i made it.

As for my health its going great i havent steped foot in a hospital seen my last check up , i had my 3 year check up about a week ago it all went wll everythink looking good im jsut a bit low in iron but if thats my biggest issuse in life just shows how great life is .

 I have my 3 years cumming up good ehen ever that comes up its the most amazing day for me cos its another year i made it and so much more but always thiink of Barrys parents and family and what there going though thats anotherr year that they have lost there sone ,
when i was sick my life depended oon someone else dieing it really is a hard thing to get your head around you dont wont someone else to die but if someone else didnt die you would .
I was waiting for someone to diee it didnt seen right

written when i was just put on the list for a heart

This was written when i had been on the tranplan list 20 days, its amazing the differents im healthy ,happy and i can live normal life now

My heart is in heart failture and i can feel it, my body feel broken its been through so much and it keeps fighting my body is just geting weaker and weaker it knows that somethink is wrong.
The vomiting has started up again, my body is slowly dieing,
It feels like death i slow motion its really scary.
I have now been waitig for 20 days for a heart, im waiting for someone else to die it dosent seem right, you cat plan death.

Bugs/flus and a good old rant

I have enough flu like normall, im gonna bitch post here
Iv had so many flu, colds this yearr and they just keep cummin and its summer i still have one,
Im so over this low immum system ball shit stay way from this or that or you will get sick, anit it bad enought i have to deal with all my other medical bull shit and im out of sick leave .

I alway wondered what my life would be like if i wasent born with a bad heart, it would be so different i woulent have been in and out of hospital all the time and feeling sick all the time,maybe i would have put more effect in at school and maybe i would have gone off and studied, when all my friends where of at uni studing i was at home to sick to even work,

Im so greatffull for this heart transplant and that im not sick any more but i  do get days, its like why me !! , why was i the one who had ot wastie 21 years of my life not getting as much out of life as everyone else,  i could live my life the way i wont to not have to worry about my "big book of rules"

Cheeck up

So i had my check up yesterday it was the best check up iv had in a while ,  everythink was looking good she even droped my pred down to 5mg and my tac down to 3mg and she has put me on yearly vistas ,never in my whole life has my vista been that far apart , so yearly to Auckland and in between she wonts me to to Hamilton for check  ups so it yearly to  Aucklnd and yearly to Hamilton so it be like 6months check ups spilt between the hospittals .
So im so happpy about that it bring a bit of normal ness to my life not having to go to hospitals as often .

The only down side is my doctor gave me the i shouldent be drinking speech i already knew that but did it any way , i spent 21 years of my life sick hell why not enjoy the life i have in saying that i dont wont to shorten the short life i already have , but i like going out and drinking i have fun and iv never had issuses with it before

Two and a half years

It was 2 and a half years on the 14 man time flys, had a dinner with my family to celebrate my new healthy life and that im alive , i love life i have my ups and downs like everyone else but having that transplants given me such a great lease on life

Enjoing Life

It snowed yesterday how amazing was that the beautty of life , it was the first time in my life iv ever seen snow fall, it melted once it hit the ground but it was just pretty watching it come down, its the little things in life like snow that makes life amazing.
I still get kicks out of been alive the small things like going to the letter box, and walking to town two and a half years later i still am so amazed at what a differents it made, that i could go from not been able to walk to the letter box and could bearly breath at night to this ......

LIVING , WORKING ENJOYING A NORMAL LIFE ..

This is what life should be about friends, family enjoying the time you have left no matter how long or short that is

Barrys Story and me meeting my donors parents