Pill pill and more pills

I have a new understanding for people with back pain ever sine iv worked at spotlight iv started to have really bad issue's with my back , im so tall and im leaning over and cutting things all day at work and now i have really bad issues with it ,

i starting of taking codeine for it and that didn't work so then the doctor but me on tranmadol for it that didn't really work it makes the pain a little less, but not yet have i found a pain killer that the pain goes away all together and they made me feel nausea so she gave me a pill to help me with the nausea catch 22 been i cant stay on that long term who knows why ,so she doesn't mind me been on pain killer long term but not nausea pills?? , any way my doctors given me a whole bunch of new pain killers to try a week on each and see witch one works best so im hopeing one of them works

i know every one thinks im this big pill poper and take to many pills but all i wont is to be pain free i would love it if i didn't have to take pain killers all the time cos that would mean i would be pain free they should walk a day in my shoes and see how they would handle it .
iv been thow so much pain in my life as in body pain that if some one can give me a pill to stop me been in why the hell not ill take it in a heart beat

Have my two year check up for my heart transplant in Auckland next so hopfuly that goes well ..

Barry John my donor head stone

2 years with my heart and Aussie

Pic from Aussie

Aussie was amazing i had a great time i would so love to move there but a thought of fitting my life in an suit case is a bit scary and having to find a job before my money funs out maybe one day.

It was so nice to be able to spent my two year heart birthday with two of the most amazing people two people who where really there for me when i was really sick and i got a really nice email from Barry s (my donors) mum, i cant believe its been two years sine iv had my heart what an amazing journey it has been
Barry s mum spent me some pics of his grave witch was really special.

Life is good

Things at the moment are going great for me, im so happy im doing what i always dream off living a normal life working living and not been that "heart" girl that ever one knows me as ,it doesent sound like much of a dream but its about living and enjoying that time given just to be able to get out of bed everyday and feel healthy.

Working going good i feel like im at last managing my hours with out getting sick or tired all the time ,
Health is going great , on the 31 of March i would have been rejection free for a year
On the 14 of April i would have had this amazing gift Barry gave me for two whole years , the best two years of my life sure it may have had its ups and downs but i got there in the end alive and kicking

Off to Aussie in 3 weeks im so exited about that and its just going to be that much more amazing been health ...
I really am just so great full and thank full i am alive .

Don't be afraid of living be afraid of the un-lived life

Song Louie wrote

This is a song Louie wrote about me when i was in hospital on life support after my transplant it makes me cry ever time i read it
LOVE YOU LOUIE

Twenty cords intertwined in as many hours
Lungs breathing and a heart beating on man made power
Whispered worries and what ifs shared in peace
At first sight it wasn’t you who was sedated completely
A body run by a lifeless product to be kept alive
An image etched forever in the deepest corners of my mind

I wanted to hear you breathe but not by machine
I wanted to talk to you but not on second hand speech

Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to feel a pulse drop?
Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to have a heart swapped?

Twenty questions in twenty seconds asked repeatedly
Heart pounding, stories and jokes distracting constantly
Hands producing sweat palm to palm as we pray
They switched you off we weren’t sure if you’d stay
You switched on after being out after your wounds were sealed
You were granted the second chance you’d craved you were healed

I wanted our eyes to lock and for you to recognise me
I wanted you to clasp my fingers I placed in your reach

Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to feel a pulse drop?
Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to have a heart swapped?

Put on your boots and leave your guardian angels at the door
You won’t need them where we’re going you’ve already got what you were fighting for

Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to feel a pulse drop?
Do you know what it sounds like to hear a heart stop?
Do you know what it feels like to have a heart swapped?

My donor Letter

This is the letter i wrote to my donor family letter is was written about a year ago now so its a bit out dated im no longer studding computers anymore and as meeting them didnt turn out the way i planned it i did give it to them but it wasn't the first letter they got from me as we found each other on the internet first

To Donor Family

I don't think I even know where to start writing this letter.
I have never met you yet you have given me the best gift anyone could ever given me.
You have given me life.
While my gift is my greatest joy its at the expense of your deepest sorrow, I must offer my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your family member must have been a amazing person and I will forever hold them close to my heart and a piece of them will live on with me forever

This heart is my new healthy gem thats brought me from my deepest sickest day to this moment. I' m more alife now then I have ever been and forever I will be grateful for this gift I have been given.
I thank you so much for opening up your heart and giving me the most amazing thing anyone could give me, for giving me back the years that I lost that heart disease stole from me.

I'm 21 years and I am now able to have a life, I can do so much more then I ever dreamt off doing, things I never thought I would ever be able to do you have given me a second chance and for that I will be forever greatful.

Befor my transplant i could bearly walk to the letter box without geting out of breath the other day i walked 8km round the lake more then i have ever walked in my life your given me the chance to enjoy things in life that i never thought i would ever get to do, i now have the chance to go out there and enjoy life and see it all in a different way, i can go out there and explore this beaterful country we have.
I feel like my life is just like everyone elses now "normal" , everything I ever wanted.
I can study like all my friends and get a job and make a living just like the rest of the world and not be afraid of planing for my future as I know I have a future now.

I was born with a heart conditon that runs in my family which caused me to became very ill. I've been in and out of hospital my whole life and on many different pills and as time went on I was getting sicker and sicker till my doctor told me I would die without a heart transplant.
I recived my heart transplant on the 14 of April 2009 the day my life really began.

I am now studing computers and plan to save up so I can go out there and see the world something I could have never have done before my transplant.
I want to make the most out of this new life and amazing gift you have given me.

Thank you so much

heart recipient

so many people dieing..

I never knew what my life would be life as a child , never did i ever dream that i would lose so many people or that i would even have a transplant , that kind of things happened in moves or books it wasn't real life ,

Maree died today i didn't know her real well like i have the others iv lost but i knew her and she was only young just like all my other transplant family have been and she didn't make it and thats really scary watching all those people who have transplant dieing thinking knowing when is my turn going to be ,

In the last 3 months 3 people have died that i knew that had had a transplant, it sure puts a price tage on your life.

I do hope i get my 20 years + from this great heart of mine , im living the life i hoped and dreamed of a healthy life and i hope i get to live it too the end

RIP
Jono 12/04/1982 - 27/09/2009
Jess 04/12/1994 - 17/12/2010
Maree 30/9/1986 - 7/02/2011

Poem

When a silver raindrop becomes a tear,
When the good lord touches a world born of fear ,
When all men are fighting and peace is gone
When they all blame each other for the things that go wrong
When the fire that burns us devours our souls
When all of the days have passed by
Our friendship will last an eternity past two friends stuck fast you and I .
When the whispering wind stops riding the trees
When the earth cant be heard for the roaring of the seas,
When a baby's sweet cry is heard no more, when the world collapses from the weight of war,
When the darkness that scares us swallows us whole
When the stars are blown out of the sky,
We'll be together,after forever well always be friends you are I .

A journal entry from 1 year before my transplant

I found a journal entry from 1 year before my transplant its so weird reading it and looking at how much has changed and how much healthy and happy i am now
The weird part is its dated the 14 of April 2008 and i had my transplant 14 of April 2009

I'm sick of it all , I feel so tried and worn out, im just over all this heart stuff the mebs the tests and doctors the hospital and all the rest.
I'm sick of fighting iv been fighting this horrible illness my whole life, I could just leave it all behind and give up im all out of energy im out of strength, i wish i didn't have to fight it deal with it day after day.

I just wont to go to sleep and for it to all go away for it all to stop to wake up and for it to just been a bad dream, to live one day normal day to feel what its like not have to fight for life every day every minute ever hour, to feel what its like to live a normal life.

The worst part is i can complain be angry about all of it but theirs nothing i can do about it ,i have to live with this everyday the only thing i can do about this is give up but what use is that.
I didn't ask for none of it not one bit, why was i the one who ended up with this silly illness witch in the end is going to kill me ,theirs ways of making it a bit more far away but in the end theirs just nothing they can do,

My doctor might start heading down the heart transplant road, i don't know what to think im scared shit less

Sick of getting sick

Be for i got my transplant one of the things i so so looking forward to was been able to get a job and been able to hold down a job like "normal" people with out getting sick all the time it was going to be great , i now have a job and i love it but i hate thats im getting side effects from the drugs, op ect that are starting to effect my job.
I should remember that normal people get sick too, but what normal person gets sent on from work because yet again they feel like shit...

Even that im not sick like i use to be,I still have a lot of issues caused by my transplant
Nausea,Vomiting,headaches
Drug keep me alive but they can make me feel like crap too
Nerve damage, which is so pain full ,
low immune system which means my body finds it hard to fight of bugs
and on top of all that iv been getting a sore back wish are so pain full wish i guess i cant realy blame my transplant for that but mum things its cos i was in the coma for so long and had to learn to walk again ect that why im having issues with it..

I hate that one one thing i wont to do is get a job and prove myself and its the one thing i cant do cos i keep getting sick...

RIP Jess...

Jess died the other day i still cant believe it she was such an amazing little girl who had been through so much we had our heart transplants round the same time she was the one i was closer to out of all my transplant friends , she was only 16 but i never felt like i was talking to a 16 year old she had been through so much that it made her grown up so fast,





I will never forget this little girl and the good times we shared.

Losing Jess reminds me that having a transplant doesn't make me billet proof at all doesn't matter how well i look after my self there always that change that something can happen to me or that my heart will start rejecting my body, living with that is a scary thing .
This time last year Jono also passes on he had a lung transplant and he was only young too it just doesn't seem fair.
Having a transplant and spending a lot of time at heart towers you meet some amazing people who you get on with so well cos they have been through the same thing as you they spent there life fighting for life just like you but you also meet a lot of people that don't make it , it doesn't seem fair

Rest easy Jess and Jono you guys will never be forgotten...

2011 Here i Come

This year sure has been learning but great year , it took me awhile to get my life on track again. Going from sick to healthy from health to been in a realy world and learning all about it,
when i was sick there was no real world it was sick in bed, in hospital ,at doctors , going to Auckland or Hamilton hospital you are just stuck in such a different world, I never had to think of things like paying bills where my next incomes going to come from i was to sick to do any of that it was all done for me , it's all about doctors appointment's pills and staying alive into you get that call for a heart..

It was so different been in a real world, but i love it its exiting been challenged every day, i love that i can work that i can walk to town that i was walk to my letter box, that i can get out of bed everyday that i can breath there just so much i can do now its amazing and i just cant wait for next year that another year of living another year of working
im going to Auckland for new years , Aussie in April I LOVE BEEN HEALTHY
Lily's baby's due early next year and im alive to see it grow up thats only the beginning of what i will get to do next year there so much to look forward to im alive what beats that
My goals for next year to lose some weight i just got way to fat from my silly drugs but now they lowered it im hoping i can do so , eat healthy, and save up for a car

I'm just so lucky that i can enjoy my life i can work i can go out and have fun with friends i can go for walks i can live breath a free life...

I saw a guy on a oxygen bottle today in town i had a sad understanding for him and what its like too be sick, it reminded me at just how luck i am to be alive and do what i can do now..

1 year 6 months and 2 weeks ago i had my transplant..

Its been 1 year 6 months and 2 weeks sine my transplant, a lot has happen seen then
My sisters having a baby
I'm healthy
I have a job and i love that i can work
I'm going to Australia next year
If i hadn't had my transplant i would never get to see Lily's kid grow up and i would never have been able to go to Aus i could barely leave the house Aus would have been out of the question and i would have spend the rest of my short life sick so i would never get to work.

I am so thank full for every day i have
I can breath, I haven't blacked out sine my transplant and I'm not in hospital ever 2 weeks or so, i don't need to get my lungs drained every few weeks, im not vomiting all the time and i have energy i can get out of bed everyday and not feel like i have to fight for life

Iv learn t a lot this year and it sure has taken me a while to get use to this transplant thing I love been healthy i do and i would never take my transplant back but at the same time been transplant is not the easy road people think it is ,
Its not cure its a better quality of life

A year and a half a go I never dream i would be where i am now , healthy going out and doing all those things healthy normal people do, I love that i get to enjoy life just that little more because i know how lucky i am to be alive..

Things you remeber..

This is a Photo of all the people who came to visit me while i was in Hospital sadly i was still in a coma this day

When i woke up from my coma , i think i must have cried for a few weeks straight in my defense i had a lot of drugs in me i couldn't understand a lot of what was going on around me , i cried that my father was by my bed side and was sick in Rotorua i cried that my sister had came back from London for me and i cried at how amazing my friends and family where to me

When i was in my coma and on life support its amazing the things you remember its not those drunken moments with what you think are your life long friends, its not those people that have the most friends in life and its not those times that you where high on all those different drugs,
Its those moments like when i was it katies mums funeral and Jess and Louie both linked hands with me and we all passed on our sadness to each other , its those times i spent talking to Louie and Blaire about my hopes dreams and what i wont to do in my life , its those times that we all went to Raindowend and went on the Rolla coast till we felt sick and those moments when ep alway use to visit me while i was in hospital even that i was in there just about every two weeks and those times when mum and dad were by my hospital bed every moment of my life