A journal entry from 1 year before my transplant

I found a journal entry from 1 year before my transplant its so weird reading it and looking at how much has changed and how much healthy and happy i am now
The weird part is its dated the 14 of April 2008 and i had my transplant 14 of April 2009

I'm sick of it all , I feel so tried and worn out, im just over all this heart stuff the mebs the tests and doctors the hospital and all the rest.
I'm sick of fighting iv been fighting this horrible illness my whole life, I could just leave it all behind and give up im all out of energy im out of strength, i wish i didn't have to fight it deal with it day after day.

I just wont to go to sleep and for it to all go away for it all to stop to wake up and for it to just been a bad dream, to live one day normal day to feel what its like not have to fight for life every day every minute ever hour, to feel what its like to live a normal life.

The worst part is i can complain be angry about all of it but theirs nothing i can do about it ,i have to live with this everyday the only thing i can do about this is give up but what use is that.
I didn't ask for none of it not one bit, why was i the one who ended up with this silly illness witch in the end is going to kill me ,theirs ways of making it a bit more far away but in the end theirs just nothing they can do,

My doctor might start heading down the heart transplant road, i don't know what to think im scared shit less

Drugs Clouding my mind

My mind is foreva clouded with drugs , for as long as i can remeber iv been on drugs 20+ a day if it isent the codeine making me xtra happy its the prednisone making me feel all over the show and if its not that it will be some other drug i take with sum silly side effect that makes me mind clouded

To think i never going to eva be able to stop taking drugs 4 as long as i live all i will die.
its weird to think my life lies in things with such horriable side effects, as they say the drugs keep you alive but they kill you at the same time.

But im alive so im so greatful for that , i went from been on life support and in a coma and my family told i wasent going to make it to been the healthiest i ever been in my life and that alone is amazing